And if you look at your reflection... · 2007-11-08 23:37
…is that all you want to be?
I drive a lot, and so I think a lot. My mind wanders across all range of topics, usually leaning toward the juvenile and the perverse. Over the past year or so, however, I’ve become a little more introspective. I suppose that becomes inevitable if someone spends enough time doing monotonous tasks. My more introspective moments deal with my course in life: where am I headed, what should I be doing, and how do I do it right? Of all the thinking, mulling, and extrapolating I’ve done over the past weeks and months, I’ve come to only one conclusion:
I am a selfish, selfish man.
It seems like that is the only thing in my life I am really certain of. The fact is, I make and spend more money than I know what to do with. My quality of life is absolutely phenomenal, and I’m grateful for that. And granted, I don’t mind sharing the wealth with friends and family when needed, but I don’t consider that being charitable. That is automatic, because when the roles are reversed I get the same comforts from family and friends that I can give.
No, what I am talking about here is charity on a larger scale. My most charitable contributions end up in the give-a-penny tray at the gas station. I try to make up for this by being kind to others, for the most part. By doing things like holding the door open for the person behind me or flashing a smile at someone who’s having a bad day. And while these things sometimes please or even surprise people [especially with elderly people who never grew up having a sense of entitlement], they don’t really help. Smiles don’t feed the hungry, and common courtesy won’t clothe the cold.
Of all the people in my circle of family and friends, I consider myself to be by far the most materialistic. And while I can justify some of my outlandish and unnecessary purchases [it is my hard-earned money, after all], I can’t reconcile the fact that I don’t really give anything back. I’ve learned that money and material things can bring happiness for me, at least temporarily. But it’s not substantial; it doesn’t appease my conscience. It’s getting harder to look the other way when I see homeless people wandering the streets at night. It’s getting harder to skip over the countless stories of worldwide suffering and death that make up the daily news.
At this point I usually find myself arguing [in my head, anyway] over whether people are inherently good or bad, what the nature of those behaviors is, and why I should even concern myself. Usually, I talk in circles and end up more frustrated than before. Reading other people’s ideas don’t really help either, because I either disagree with them or get bogged down in the details. Why should I bother? I still don’t know what to think. But I feel like I should be more charitable. Maybe that’s the reason.
This rant is entirely about how I view myself, so rest assured that I don’t think less of people who don’t feel the same. If you don’t feel like being charitable, then don’t be. If you already give your time or money, then kudos. If you’re on the fence like me, think about it. But don’t do it because it makes you look good. Don’t do it because your neighbor, your teacher, or even your god tells you to. Do what you feel is right. Or not.
Call me naive, idealistic, or even a bleeding heart. I don’t believe I can cure the suffering of the world. Some of that suffering is probably deserved, anyway. I can do a little better, though. I plan on doing better.
